Why Do You Do What You Do?

Isaiah 29:13 AMP

And the Lord said, Forasmuch as this people draw near Me with their mouth and honor Me with their lips but remove their hearts and minds far from Me, and their fear and reverence for Me are a commandment of men that is learned by repetition [without any thought as to the meaning]

Why do you do what you do when it comes to God? Or even when it comes to your family, friends, spouse, and even yourself?

Is most of what you do or partake in because of something you learned and did because the person in front of you or on the television said was the right thing to do?  Did you run it by God to see if He even likes that? 

Think about the cliché phrases we use in church. “Praises go up,  blessings come down”. We sit around quoting it like it’s the Word and it isn’t!  But we keep quoting it in our sermons because the preacher before us did.

What we say and do has become the norm in our churches and our lives… but only because we’ve been told it was the right thing to do AND because its what has always been done.

Within my generation, I hope to break down some of the religious repetition in our churches that brings NO FRUIT to the body of Christ. It’s time that we stopped the foolishness in the church. Its not saving anyone nor is it bringing any of our peers in our generation to Christ. Let’s stop being churchy for 5min to discuss the condition of our souls and our churches. We are the ones who have to carry the church on after our pastors and leaders die or retire. We honor and respect them for all they did,  but we’re being called to go HIGHER!
God is calling us higher! He wants to do MORE in our lifetime. More experiences, more miracles, signs, and wonders. Let’s break the cycle and move into the NEWNESS of God!

Psalm 40:3 AMP

And He has put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many shall see and fear (revere and worship) and put their trust and confident reliance in the Lord. [Ps. 5:11.]

Watch How You Talk To Me!!

Me and the Mr. have been making it a habit to stick to a Marriage Bible Study with YouVersion’s Bible App called One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans. Today we read from Proverbs 15:1 (NIV) which read;

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. 

Jimmy Evans went on to explain how important it is to speak to your significant other in a more gentle, and calm tone than one that would let everyone know you all are having it out. He had a challenge at the end for the husband and wife to discuss better way to talk to one another and discuss ways they needed to improve. My Mr. and I have already had this conversation a few times about us watching how we talk to one another when we argue and even on a regular basis. Are we kind to one another in our words? Are we mindful of the other person’s feelings in the situation or do we just care about how we feel and just want to get our point across to prove we’re right?

We don’t realize how much power we have in our words when it comes to speaking to our significant others. Many times we’re the only positive input in their day. Think about a husband that goes to work everyday at an ungrateful place. All they hear all day is complaints and things they’re doing wrong. So when he gets home, he needs encouragement. He needs to be built up in some way. Women deal with the mental processing of having to be constantly compared to other women in the world. Her hair is either not long enough, too long, and she may wear too much or not enough make up, while not wearing the right clothing or having the best body. Women step outside and feel like we just walked onto a runway, where we’ll be judged for how we look to others. So when she gets home, she needs encouragement, as well as words to make her feel good. So many times as a spouse, we don’t pay as much attention as we should to how we talk to someone… when and how to say things…. how to just be encouraging.

Of course we may deal with a spouse who’s hard headed and doesn’t listen, or a spouse who does nothing to change when we say we’re upset, but we have to be mindful in our speech towards one another. When you get into a marriage or relationship, you’re making a commitment to care for this person. You’re saying to them “At the end of the day, you can come to me and I will take care of you.” “The world may not know how wonderful you are, but I do.” “I care about you.” But how often do we show that to the other person? How often do we tell the other person? How often do we show that, without having to say it, through our actions on a daily basis?

I challenge you to take the time to work on how you speak to your significant other. Even if you’re pissed off, talk to them how you’d like to be talked to and dealt with. Sometimes when pointing out the other person’s flaws, we forget that we have problems too. We forget that we’re not perfect. We forget that we can get on somebody’s nerves too. Take the time to be patient and monitor what you say to one another. Build each other up. Encourage one another. Take time to listen. I promise you’ll see a change in your relationship. 🙂

~The Mrs.

Asking For Too Much?

List of Demands

On my Chronicles of a Young Wife Facebook Page, someone asked the question “Is there such thing as having standards that are set too high?” A lot of women in particular ask this same question when they’re a part of the dating scene. I know I did a few times while I was a single woman. But I realized that the standards I set were really high. Now that in no way says that they cannot be met, but there’s a slim to no chance that you’ll get everything on your list of “wants”. Having high standards is NOT a bad thing because you should never lower your standards just to be “happy”, but sometimes those “standards” can get out of hand and unreasonable. They become a list of demands!

I personally made a “Man of God” list, made up of everything I wanted. He had to be between a certain height, have a certain body type, have at least 2 degrees, be a pastor/minister/prophet or something along those lines, be a prayer warrior,  be a sex god, and a certain age and have good hair with a nice smile. My “Man of God” list was made up as a scorecard, where I would give him points in the areas he had achieved. It…was…ridiculous. He would’ve had to been a model/preacher/stripper/doctor… all at one time. I was asking for things that I myself did not accomplish or possess. I was asking for too much… but I was also asking out of want and not out of need. Of course I need a God-fearing man, but I also needed a man who was balanced as well, not someone who’s too Heaven bound to be any earthly good as people say. But I was creating this list out of desires of my flesh, not out of desire for what God wanted for me and already had for me.

In prayer with a friend, God revealed to her that I needed to remake my list… and when I remade it to include God in the decision process for what I needed. This time, I sat down with the bible and decided to study all of the scriptures that talked about what a husband should be to a wife. There are countless stories of some hard-core, ride or die type marriages in the bible. Though some things were jacked up, many stuck it out to the end.

As I read scriptures, I read in Ephesians 5:25 (NIV) where it states “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” So me understanding that I am a part of the church as a whole (not the building, the body of people), I was able to relate and ask God for a man who would love me like He does. I sat down and began to write down all that Jesus is to me. Friend, Lover of my soul, patient, forgiving, etc. because these were the things that I deserved as a wife. It’s like when a woman who’s spoiled is taken care of by her dad as a child, teen, and so on. She wants a man that can do the same and more because if he can’t, she’ll just go back to her dad and he’ll provide. I have the love of Christ with me everyday of my life. Why would I want someone who wants to and chooses to love me less than that? My desire became to gain the love of Christ in my marriage, and I got just that.

I didn’t put a whole lot of physical demands out there, though I did figure that since Jesus walked around a lot, he had to be fit (LMBO), but I knew that God knew what I liked. So many times we think that when we just say “God I give up my desires for You”, He’s going to just give us mess in return… but God ain’t crazy. God knew I loved a killer smile and a nice back with some nice shoulders, and I got just that, along with a best friend and lover of my soul whose patient, understanding and loves me for who I am. God knows you have to spend the rest of your life with this person. If someone is way out of your “type” or what you’re attracted to, He knows that would cause you to look and dream about someone else in bed at night. God is not slow nor is He crazy. He knows us backwards and forwards.

In conclusion:

  1. Stop asking for things that only one man in the world can possibly do.
  2. Stop asking for things that you yourself don’t possess. You can’t demand he have a nice car and you have a bike…
  3. Stop always focusing on wants. They can and will change like you do, and even when you get them, you’ll still want something more. But needs don’t change. When you get what you need, there’s a fulfillment involved.
  4. Understand that a man has to love you like Jesus loves you, or at least have the desire to learn to love you that way. Don’t go for someone who wants to love you in a mediocre way, making no sacrifices or changes. Jesus died for his bride the church. You deserve someone striving to mirror the love of Christ for you.
  5. God doesn’t take your desires and smash them to the ground. He just takes them, involves purpose and more of Him, and when they’re given back, they have a touch of what you love, mixed with more of your needs, your purpose and especially Him.

~The Mrs.

The Beauty of Love

There’s something about someone who loves you in spite of you… someone who blocks out the world and what they have to say just to love you… someone who’ll do whatever to prove they love you. It’s the kind of love you never have to second guess. You never have to sit up at night and fear losing it to someone else. There’s something about love the encompasses you and becomes concerned with loving only you… giving you the security you need to never be afraid of it cheating on you. There is something… about that love.

I’m blessed to say that it’s kind of love that found me… not just once, but twice. The first being my junior year of college and most recently, December 31st, 2013. The love of Jesus Christ came and engulfed me my junior year. I had been giving my body away to different strangers, walked away from God after being born and raised in church, and became consumed with this empty vessel called Allyson. But in a matter of moments, He called my name and told me He still loved me and wanted to use me. For the next few days, Jesus chased me down and wouldn’t let go til I said okay.  He found me in my wilderness called life, where I thought no one could go, let alone find me… but He did… and since then, I’ve never been the same. Being trapped by a love I’ve never known took me off guard… but I didn’t want to fight it. It was one I tried to duplicate in relationships and never seemed to get right. It was a love I did nothing to deserve. It was finally a love that I could do nothing to shake. It was an “inearnable’ love that I had finally obtained because I was just… well there.

I still haven’t wrapped my mind around it… and I won’t ever be able to. To know someone who loves me just because… even when I screw up and suck at life? Seems impossible right? Especially after all the “love” we’ve experienced… where after we mess up once, it’s all over and we can never live it down, like the “I love you’s” were never spoken at some point in time…

The next time as with my partner-in-crime, ride-or-die, My Mr. He loves me like Christ loves me, which is a requirement when it come to marriage. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25 NIV) Those of you who know me know the relationships I had full of empty “I love you’s”

I soon discovered that I was on the search for a love that had to come find me.

      The days I cheated, the empty nights of pointless sex, the long hours of fighting, the tears… none of it seemed worth it when real love introduced itself to me; ever so politely. I did nothing to deserve it, nothing to earn it, and didn’t ask for it. Quincy told me that I made it easy for him to love me. He told me that love for him, was a choice, which is true.

      The beauty of Love is that it is a choice to love someone. It’s nothing you should be forced into and it’s nothing that you should take for granted. When you sit back and make the choice to love someone, you’re choosing to love them for who they are, including all of their crazy parts and annoying habits, but it’s your choice in the end. It’s not something you shrug your shoulders and just say out of habit or out of expectancy. If you don’t love someone, don’t say it. Many of us have the issue with saying I love you because we love to hear ourselves say it and hear someone else say it to us. When we’ve spent a lot of time together, we think it has to be automatic so we say it out of habit. When we sleep with someone and the sex was great, we say I love you because maybe we felt something different with them… when in reality it was the newness of an undiscovered orgasm we’ve never had before.

      The reality of true love is that it sometimes comes when you least expect it because you did nothing to deserve it in that moment it was gained. When Quincy and I first began to talk and get serious, I hadn’t put any of my “old moves” on him to con him into loving me. He made the choice and stuck with it. It wasn’t a sway in his decision just because I made him mad one day, so if that’s how your love is, here’s news… IT’S NOT LOVE! Love is unconditional. It’s not subject to any conditions!!! Love won’t come out of something I did for you. Love won’t disappear because I didn’t do something you liked. Love will stay and stick because you make the choice to love in spite of.

      The reality of the love the found me was that I had to get to know the love of Christ first, because in that I discovered how I was to be loved and treated. Christ knows your worth. He knows how to love you… He died for you because He wanted to because He LOVES you. When I knew what Christ’s love was like, I was able to discern what was and what wasn’t…. it had to come find me, and it had to love me in spite of me because it wanted to, and it would do whatever it had to in order to prove it to me. So when love came and found me the second time around… I recognized it as soon as I saw him. I knew from the 3 conversation that I would marry the man I’m married to today. There was something about the way he talked to me that was familiar. There was something about the way he showed he cared that was familiar. It was the love of Christ pouring out of him and onto me.

      The beauty of love is that God is love. You know love, you know God and vice versa. You know God, you know the way love is supposed to go. Embrace Him. Discover His love… then wait for His love to come and find you.

~The Mrs.

6 Learned Lessons in Marriage

Hello All!!

I decided to post up today some things that I’ve learned thus far in my marriage of almost 3 months (lol). Of course I’m still in the Honeymoon stage of marriage, but there are really some things I’ve learned that I know are foundations to help us continue to build on our marriage. So… here are 6 🙂

Click the Circles Below!!!

~The Mrs.

The Mediocre You

Most of you who follow me on Facebook probably figured I would write a blog about this since I just made my status about it. I wasn’t going to, but I felt the need to.

The inspiration comes from my Mr. He might catch a slight attitude because of this article, but he’ll get over it. Part of my life, part of my ministry babe!! (Love you :))

My husband is a great man. He’s amazing at what He does… when he decides to do it. Now in no way am I saying that I’m always up and handling business 24/7 because I’m definitely not. So this article isn’t just about him, it’s about me too… He just so happens to be doing what I’m about to discuss.

I can think about a few people in my life that I know are GREAT and AMAZING and IRREPLACEABLE at what they do, but they were 1. Lazy and 2. Afraid to be more successful than those around them 3. Don’t want to lose friends. It’s like those people you meet in school that smoke weed, drink everyday, don’t study, but seems to ALWAYS get better grades than you do. I couldn’t stand people like that. I would bust my butt (sometimes) and study, and would barely make a C and they were popping A’s out.

I think about those friends and I wonder how far they would be if they had truly taken charge of the greatness within and did all the things they should have and could have done to get them into some amazing areas as far as careers go. But one things I can say all these people had in common; they had a group around them that wasn’t as successful or as intelligent as they were.

Many times we like to dumb ourselves down because we don’t want to make others uncomfortable. I know for me I would hate to show my significant other affection when single people were around. I would just feel bad because they were single and I wasn’t, so I’d try to be respectful, when in reality, I was just trying to make someone else comfortable, though it brought me discomfort. Now of course I don’t mean tonguing him down… that’s just rude (lol), but any affection at all. I would feel bad for the single people. So I’d rather suffer so they could be comfortable, when in reality they probably weren’t thinking twice about me. We do so much to make sure everyone around us is doing okay and isn’t offended by what we do, when they really aren’t looking at us, paying us any attention or letting us affect them at all. So we end up feeling bad for those who don’t feel bad at all.

Many of us limit ourselves so that we don’t lose friends, companions, support systems, etc. We’re afraid to be successful because we know everyone won’t be happy. We know that our friends who are happy with mediocrity will probably leave us alone and stop talking to us and start talking about us… if they don’t already do so. We’re afraid of the things we’ll lose on the front end of success. When it starts to slowly pour in, we watch our friends slowly dim out of the picture. We’re afraid to lose them, though they obviously aren’t friends anyway. We’d rather dumb down and just be mediocre so everyone can be comfortable around us, though we ourselves are uncomfortable.

Some of us don’t want to draw attention to ourselves. We’d just rather sit in the background and be normal. We’ve had experiences where when attention was drawn to us, it didn’t turn out too well, or we were talked about, or we messed up when all eyes were on us, so we’d just rather step back and sit down. We’re afraid to be out where everyone can see us succeed because we don’t want to mess up, or get the wrong attention. Why do we allow fear to set us back and cause us to crave mediocrity instead of success, which is so easily attainable? How long will we sit back in fear and not be great because we’re afraid of what might happen? Will we constantly live in this fear, and then when we’re old and grey fall into a depression because we didn’t take the chances to be great and successful when it was so easily attainable?

And then many of us are just lazy. We just don’t want to do the work to be successful. We figure if I can do the bare minimum and pass, why work harder? Is it worth it.

YES. 

If you are halfway succeeding doing as little as nothing, then what makes you think that a little bit more elbow grease can’t get you a little further in life? Turning off the TV and reading a little more to gain a little more knowledge. Getting off Facebook for a few seconds and reading the news or preparing an outline for a paper you haven’t written yet (Mr. Robinson… lol) Throwing a little water on your face to stay up a few extra hours or get up a few hours earlier to learn a little bit more for class so you’re not as far behind.

We sit up and we envy those who are doing what we want to do. We covet after their lives, their clothes, their money, their career, when we have the opportunity to be that and more if we just put in a little more effort. If anyone told you that it was going to just fall in your lap… they lied.

So what if you’re making good grades by doing nothing? What’s wrong with gaining a little more knowledge if you want to make a successful career out of it? Nothing. It’s better to have it and not need it, then to need it and not have it. 

Take that extra few steps towards success. Forget what others have to say. People will talk about you if you live a mediocre life, and they will talk about you if you succeed, so it’s a lose-lose situation anyway, why not get some great things accomplished in the process of enduring? Forget fear. Do you really want to get to a point in your life when you can’t and you sit back and wish that you did? It’s right here. Right now. You can have it, just move past fear and take chances and make mistakes. The true failure is in not trying. And if you need a little extra push understand this “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7. And Forget about being lazy!! How is that helping you at all? Why continue to do things that lead to nothing, when you can gain things that lead to success and joy? If you read my last note, sitting up on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter isn’t healthy anyways! You sit there and want someone else’s life while hating your own. Someone I know said a great quote. The grass will always be greener on the other side… until you water your own. Makes sense right? lol

I leave you with this quote by Marianne Williamson:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.’ We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

~The Mrs.

 

The Constant Comparison… JUST BE YOU!

Why do we compare ourselves to others? Why do we sit around on FaceBook, Instagram, Twitter, etc., just to compare our lives to someone else’s life/looks/income/accomplishments/etc.? Why do we torture ourselves, where we constantly call ourselves failures because someone else is living “the life”?

I had to ask myself these questions yesterday as I sat up on Instagram viewing pictures of other young ladies who were “living the life”. Look gorgeous, go out all the time with friends, great jobs, popular, you name it, they had it. In the midst of looking at them, it made me look at myself and begin to compare who I was to who they were. Questions and statements began to flood my mind. “She’s so pretty. She’s prettier than me. Look at how many people like her pictures in comparison to mine. What does she have that I don’t? Why can’t I look like that? What could I do to look like that? What did she do that I didn’t do? Is it too late for me to not do that? She has it all, what do I have? Maybe I’m a failure and she’s successful.” Then the judgmental and prideful thoughts come about. “Well I’m married, and she sleeps around. She probably doesn’t like herself. She probably uses all that makeup to cover-up how ugly she really is on the inside. She probably hates herself. She isn’t submitted to God and I am, so I shouldn’t envy her. She has to search for men to like her and I’m married.”

Yeah it’s horrible I know, but please don’t act like I’m the only one. Whenever we see someone doing better than us, these questions and many more flood our minds. We put ourselves down, but then to build ourselves back up, we put them down in our minds. I KNOW I’m not the only one who does it, but I’ll go ahead and be the first one to speak up about it.

For the next 10min, I sat sulking and comparing myself to this young lady. I found almost everything I could about her that made me suck. Then I searched for everything about her that made me better than her, just to make me feel better and heal some of the wounds I had just given myself. It’s like mentally I became a cutter in that moment. I didn’t like me for that moment because she was better than me. How many times do you sit up on these social networks just to see how much better someone is than you are? How much prettier someone is… how much more money a person has… how better off someone is. We do the same things watching television as we watch reality TV shows, and aspire to be like them because we’re unsatisfied with our own lives and we’d rather sit around and mope about it than do something with it.

Why do we choose to torture ourselves with comparison? One that self-degrades us and makes us feel horrible about who we are. No wonder we can’t find confidence in ourselves, we end up being the ones that break ourselves down. You don’t ever find yourself attractive because you find everyone else attractive, and because you don’t have what they have, you deem yourself ugly, or do everything in your power to look like them in some way, shape, or form so you can feel attractive. You were tighter clothing, you wear flashier name brands, you put 0n more make-up, wear more revealing clothing, and become a completely different person than who you started out to be. We’d rather be admired as someone else, than truly loved for who we really are.

So many of us, including myself are afraid to be US. We see the reactions when we put a little bit of the real “US” out there, and when it’s not taken a nicely as we would like, we hide it again. When the real “US” doesn’t get as much attention or recognition, we put on another face. We act as if we’re in a costume shop, trying on different masks and asking people which one they like best. We become different people for different surroundings so the different surroundings can like us, then at the end of the day, we glance in the mirror and wonder who we are.

Society makes us believe that being who you want to be is wrong. We’re supposed to be who SOCIETY wants us to be, so we can be shaped and molded by their hands instead of the hands that made us from the beginning, which is God of course 😉 We allow people who don’t even know us or care to know us to shape our very being into someone we don’t really want to be. Majority of us don’t want to be party girls or alcoholics or sleep around, we want to have sustaining relationships and keep our purity and innocence, but because society deems that as lame or because we feel as if we’re not worthy of it, we just give it all away and let society do the shaping.

We’re afraid to be ourselves because we’ll lose friends and lovers and no one will understand. That’s very true. Many people will not want to learn about the real you, including the friends you have today. Many won’t want to put forth the extra effort to learn who you really are and many won’t like the real you. But there will be people who love the real you. Who cherish the real you. Who don’t want you to be anything else but yourself because who you are is who they love. I’m a witness that there will be people who will love the real 100% you. My husband was one of the first. He didn’t judge me on who I was, didn’t require me to be something I wasn’t, but simply fell in love with Allyson, and no one else. It was hard for me to express who I really was to others for a while. Many people got shut out because when I did try to show a glimpse of the real me, it was immediately shut down because they were use to the masks I had put on for so long. Many people will prefer the mask over the real you. It will hurt, but it’s only for your good.

There will always be someone you think is prettier than you. There will always be someone you think is better than you, smarter than you, more successful than you… But that’s them. That’s their road and their life.

You were fearfully and wonderfully designed to be you and no one else. Learn and mature to the place that you not compare beauty, but appreciate it. You appreciate someone else’s success instead of making it about you and what you’re not doing…. and if you know you’re not doing anything… then do something about it! Society teaches us to be jealous and to always strive to be better than someone else. But what about appreciating someone else’s work and success and using it as a positive influence for you to work harder at who YOU are to get to the places YOU are destined to be in.

There will NEVER be another you. No one can do the things YOU can do. They can try, but it will never be a great as it is when YOU do it. They can give the same speech, but it won’t be as effective if it doesn’t come from you… and vice versa. Stop trying to be someone you’re not because you won’t be successful at it. You can’t make an android phone an iPhone… period. You will always fail at trying to be something you’re not. It may seem successful and may get you pretty far… but you’ll never be a better someone else. That person will always be better at being them than you’ll ever be. You’ll never be able to get their makeup right, their hair right, their life right because it’s NOT YOURS. GET YOUR OWN LIFE AND LOVE IT! APPRECIATE IT!

BE THE BEST YOU YOU CAN BE!!

~The Mrs.